Saturday, July 03, 2010

Fun (Evil) Mothers

This is not about evil mothers-in-law or evil adult moms.  This is how fun it is to be evil to your children, but in a good way.  No, that's not an oxymoron.

"Hey Mommy, look what I found under the fridge! I went under the fridge and pulled this out."
"How did you fit under the fridge?"
"Uh, what? I found this under the fridge."
"Yes, you said that.  How did you get under the fridge?"
"I put my hand under the fridge to pull it out."
"Phew, I thought we had a problem there for a minute."

Instead of losing my temper when my kids hit The Loopback and get stuck in it (you know what I'm talking about) I've discovered something that stops them in confusion.

::la di da Mommy is cooking supper::
"Mommy! I want to go outside! I wanna go outside now!"
"I'm sorry honey, it's almost supper time.  You're going to have to wait."
"I want to go outside! I waited!"
"Honey, be patient.  I have to cook supper and stand here or it'll burn."
::two minutes pass::
"Mommy I was patient! I want to go outside! I'll eat outside! Now! I want to go outside now!"
Lather, rinse repeat.  And repeat.  And repeat.
"Mommy! Mommy! You're  not listening! You said to wait! I want to go outside and PLAY! I want.."
"AAAAAND END SCENE! Time for act two."
"Um, what?"
"Great performance. ::golf clap:: But it's time for an intermission.  Supper is just about ready.  Go practice for the next scene."
"Mommy, what you talking 'bout?"
"You go think about it for a while."

It works for the older kids too.  Not just the 5 year olds stuck in The Loopback.

You can also have a lot of fun with the special needs kids.  No, no, hear me out.  I'm talking actual fun, not making fun of fun.  My middle daughter who is currently 7 years old, likes word games but she has some trouble understanding nuances in language.  She's currently really enjoying rhyming words, words with dual meaning (left hand and left out), words that sound the same but have different spellings and different meaning (heir and air).  She finds toilet words very funny, especially if they're inserted into silly nicknames like Poopsie Pie.  Because you know, poop.  Ha ha.  Play on words is tough for her, especially things like similes and metaphors are nearly impossible for her to understand.

"Oh man, honey, I'm so hungry I could eat your leg."
::horrified silence:: "You not gonna eat my legs.  You make your own lunch."

"Your hair is so pretty, I wish I had your hair,"
"You're not cutting off my hair.  You have your own.  Go buy a wig."

"Wow, it's so hot today it feels like I'm sitting under a sweaty cow's fanny."
::stunned silence:: "A... cow sat on you?" ::looks around for evil cow that might come around and sit on her too::

"Ugh, my head hurts so much it's going to explode, I need some Advil."
"But then you have no brain! I don't like cleaning."

"It's so hot outside, my butt is on fire."
::checks my ass to make sure there's no fire, then brings me some water just in case::

"Life  is a bowl of cherries."
"Uhhh... what?"

Most of the time I forget that she doesn't understand until I see a blank or horrified face, but sometimes it's just good old fashioned Evil Fun to play those word games with her.  In those instances, yay autism! It can be fun for something! Before you jump me in a dark alley, please do a search of my blog with the words "Autism" and "Asperger" to see just how seriously I take Autism.

Recently I took some advice from some friends when my eldest daughter started the whole bunch of them slamming doors to punctuate tantrums.  I stuck wash cloths in the tops of the doors so they couldn't slam.  The looks on their faces were priceless.  We recently took the cloths out since the habit stopped, but I'm evil enough that I hope they start up again so that I can stick the wash cloths in the doors again without telling them to watch them try to slam a door.

I steal their Halloween candy and Easter candy too.  But that's more delicious rather than fun.


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