I had That Dream again. The one where I find myself sitting on my couch and planning a funeral during New Year's Eve when we were supposed to be having dinner with friends. The one where I realize that my husband was in a horrible accident and is never coming home again. My heart hurt, my throat hurt, my head hurt, and I was so far beyond sad and angry that I felt I couldn't possibly continue, even for my own children. I couldn't believe I was planning a funeral, and felt lost doing so. I couldn't figure out what I was going to tell my children. I couldn't figure out how I was going to do what needed to be done to keep my family together. All thoughts and no thoughts were going through my mind. This nightmare was so real, so horribly realistic, that my mind went through an entire month of this agony. I woke up with so much pain and pressure in my chest, my throat raw from crying, that I was convinced that it wasn't actually a nightmare at all. I had to call Manny at work and started to panic when I kept getting his voicemail. I kept calling until he answered the phone.
How does anyone do this in real life? I was torn apart just from this dream... and while I try to make sure I'm always grateful for my husband, while I try to make sure he knows I love him and appreciate him, I'm afraid that he doesn't really know. That something will happen before I have a chance to make sure he KNOWS how much he's loved and needed and appreciated. Things can change in an instant and none of us are immune to losing a loved a one.
My Christmas Wish is that no one I know or love ever has to go through losing a spouse like this. Today, more than ever, my heart is breaking for a friend who recently lost her own husband in a tragic car accident. I know that what I "experienced" was only a dream, and pales in comparison to what she's going through every day, but the feelings from that dream are something I'll never forget. I get chills thinking about it, and I hope and pray that Casey has support from her tragedy. I hope that she knows her children love her and that she's being thought of and prayed for. I hope that her Christmas brought her a little bit of joy and that her children found some magic in the holiday.
I'm sorry for the downer post. I just couldn't get these thoughts and emotions out of my head... needed the release. Now I'm going to hug my children and play with their new Christmas toys, and sort through their new clothes (from family) to put into the laundry.
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