Friday, November 24, 2006

Extra Grateful

I know that I say I'm grateful for my husband in my gratefulness journal, but I really and truly am grateful for him. Yes, he can be insensitive. Yes, he can be selfish. Yes, he can be impatient and grouchy and pessimistic. Yes, he can be an utter PITA. But he's MY PITA. And he really is a wonderful, generous man who adores me and his daughters. He works hard and long hours, and still manages to stay sane. He has his moments, but so do we all. I know I do, and he's usually pretty forgiving of my faults. Even at our worst, we're still made for each other and I would miss him if he were gone. I would be heartbroken if something took him away from me.

The other night, he took a detour to my best friend's house after work without telling me. He was something like 40 minutes late and I started to panic. He didn't have his cell phone because it's broken (thanks Anneliese) and he forgot to take mine with him, so I couldn't get in touch with him. I called my best friend before calling the hospitals only because she had mentioned something about needing his help with something a couple of nights before. Thankfully he had just gotten there. I wasn't angry, I was just so relieved that he was safe and sound. I honestly had panic in my heart because I was sure something had happened to him. I was almost in tears because I was imagining the worst case scenario in my mind and I could actually see it as if it had happened.

I can only begin to imagine what it would be like losing him, or, God forbid, one of my children. It's one of my biggest fears. It can happen to anyone without warning... and I know we're not immune to the possibility of losing each other. I can only pray that we never do.

As bad as my fear is of losing Manny or one of my daughters, I'm just as scared of them losing me. I may not be much of a mother, daughter, friend, or wife, but I don't want to leave them. I don't want them to ever be motherless before they can live life without me. I don't want to force Manny to ever have to raise them alone. I would be afraid that no one would know all of their likes and dislikes, their little idiosyncracies and things that only Mommies could possibly know. Who would learn what their routines are? Who would make sure to have their favorite types of cheese and cereal and the way they like their pizza? Who would be gentle with Grace when she's having a naked day? Who would give the girls gentle tickle massages? Who would take their pictures and e-mail them to family and friends? Who would do the girls hair the way it should be done? Who would dry Gracie's hair so that it's soft and curly instead of frizzy? Who would trim Juliana's bangs? Who would sneak pork and steak into Manny's diet so that he doesn't only eat chicken and pasta?

I want to be the one to do all of those things, because I know that no one else would. Ah, well, I need to not take my family for granted and be grateful for every single moment I have with them. I need them too much.

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