Friday, November 24, 2006

Love's Divine

Since redefining my spiritual path, I feel like I've also renewed my faith in God. I honestly feel that the spiritual path one takes, even if that person is atheist, should always be fluid. By questioning my path and evaluating my map, so to speak, I feel more firm in my beliefs even as I feel liberated for not being afraid to question myself and justify my path.

But.

It took several years to get to this place, and the past two years of real contemplation, discovery and though. I couldn't even ackowledge the feeling of being lost for most of the past several years. Catholic guilt, maybe? When I was growing up, there was no choice. You attend mass, you believe in God and His Plan, and not only do you believe in Christianity, but you LIVE it and simply don't question God. Period. Don't question belief. Don't question attending mass. Just do it and don't stray or you're going to hell. Even now, don't dare question it in my parent's presence or most especially, my grandparents. It took me living on my own and allowing myself to admit that I had questions. To admit that I needed to define my OWN beliefs and learn that Christianity isn't the only path, the only right way, even if in the end I discovered that it's the only path and the only right way for me. It was worth it, since it means I'm emerging as a stronger person.

Even so... I felt something missing the entire time while I still felt God's gentle, yet powerful, presence. I felt like... chaos. I felt as if God stepped aside to give me space to sort out my thoughts, but it wasn't God doing the distancing. It was me. I felt the distance as a sort of... discomfort and unease. A spiritual loneliness, I suppose. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel God's love and I realized only recently that that's what the lacking feeling has been. If you've never believed in God, I can only describe it as living with a room mate that you take for granted. You know they're there, but one day, you notice that you haven't talked in while. You start wondering what he's been up to, and realize you don't know anything about him any more. Then you start questioning your relationship, and evaluate if you want to keep it up. You even distance yourself to give yourself some space. And then one day, while you're evaluating and such, you realize that you're lonely. You want the relationship back the way it was yet at the same time, you want to redefine the relationship to enhance it.

One of my favorite songs is one by Seal. Love's Divine. In my interpretation of it, this man has gone through a spiritual journey much like my own. He lost his faith and suddenly, through a rain storm of pain and loss, he feels God's Divine Love again and realizes what was missing. I couldn't figure out why this song kept running around in my head until tonight. That song is ME. I've been almost obsessed with this song for the better part of the last couple of years. I finally put it on my MySpace profile tonight because the pull to hear it, and hear it often, has been so strong. The melody and the words strike a cord in me that echoes so loudly I can't ignore it. The song is speaking for me, to me, more than any other song I've ever listened to. It describes my journey with such striking similarity that I get chills listening to it and reading the words. So much of my internal chaos and personal demons and even my depression are so wrapped up in this song.

It's good to feel like I'm home. And my room mate is back, and I feel His love. Willingly, rather than feeling forced.






Love's Divine
Seal

There the rainstorm came over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost, all of my, belief, you see
And realized my mistake
But time threw a prayer to me
And all around me became still

Chorus:
I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love
Love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realized what it takes

Chorus 2:
'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love
Love is what I need to help me know my name

Refrain:
Oh I - don't bend, don't break
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know, my name

Well, I tried to say there's nothing wrong
When inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
"Believe in me!"
(Repeat Chorus 2 & Refrain)

Love can help me know, my name

2 comments:

Sarah said...

Beautiful post. I really enjoyed reading it. :)

Jackie said...

I've loved this song since I was pregnant with Ian lol