Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Someone Open the Bar

Call it a midweek indulgence. I'd love to have a drink right now, especially knowing that the Mirena IUD is in fact working despite the "feeling" that I "might" be pregnant despite it. Ah well, I'm sad and relieved at the same time if that makes any sense.

The kids have been a handful lately, which is fine. I'm not feeling too great today though. Sore, swollen throat. It feels thick and cottony, and my head hurts. I overslept today because Manny forgot to tell me he was leaving for work. I was so exhausted I didn't even hear the kids playing downstairs until after 10 am!!! Anneliese was sleeping in her bed next to mine, and she woke up at the same time as me. It felt good but I came downstairs to find pillows and blankets in my kitchen on the floor, coloring pages flung all over the dining room, and black sharpie marker on my good dining room table. Damn it. I called Manny to let him know I overslept because of him. Dweeb.

Since Grace was sleeping when he left, she was starvin' like Marvin and in the worst mood ever. Mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa in a voice that was simulaneously screaming, whining and crying. For 20 minutes straight. Her hot dogs and french fries were toasting, but the poor kid couldn't wait. She was walking around with a dish and a fork as she made that horrific sound. I'm sort of wishing today that my name weren't Mama. ;-) Call me anything but mamaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

OK back to the BFN. I'm honestly disappointed. But there's no way that Manny wants more kids. If it happens, it happens and he'd deal with it but now he's more insistant than ever that he wants the Big V. I just really don't feel ready to do anything permanent yet. That's why I chose the IUD, which will last 4 more years, so that we had something reliable but reversible if we changed our minds. He just doesn't think he'll ever change his mind and I'm sure he wants to do this ASAP. In our area, most dr's will NOT do a V without the spouses' consent, so I really hope he doesn't attempt to force me into it just yet. Obviously I don't want to have a baby if he doesn't want one but I want him to want another! I would never force him into it, and we're both OK with if it happened on it's own. But at the same time.... ugh.

At least I know for sure right now, that I'm not pregnant. BFN. And right now, that's a good thing. It opens the door for discussion, since this will be fresh in our minds for a few more days. Why am I so conflicted???


Kyla said...

Awwww...poor sweet Jess! I know how you feel, every time I've been late and had to test, I'm always disappointed...but its easier for me because I know there will be other babies in the future...but even then its still a little let down. The other day Josh said "Are you SUUUURE you want more babies?" And I said "Yah, that's not even a discussion..." *lol* I've always wanted lots of babies and that's what he signed up for. *lol* I don't think I could deal with it if he said no more might kill me. Even if we have 5 kids, I'll be done by 30, and I don't know how I'll go from 30+ without more babies. We'll see. *lol* Anyway, I'm sorry dear, I know your heart is sad. ((((((((((((((BIG HUGS)))))))))))))))) to you!

Jennifer said...

Here's hoping some super spermies sneak in thru your barrier!! :)

The Momma Chronicles said...

Oh Jess, I'm sorry! I can so relate with you right now. I had a tubal ligation after Mary-Beth was born and MAN am I regretting it. I mean, I know it was the right thing to do for US, but I'm mourning children that I've never had yet. *sigh*

We'll get through this somehow. No super spermies for me, but my fingers are crossed for you!!!