Thursday, January 26, 2006

Vacation From Reality... who's joining me?

Come on, hop on the bandwagon. Pull up a chair and a mug and take a mental vacation. I know I need one desperately. I truly wish I had some time where I could just go to a movie alone or go to the mall alone or go on a weekend somewhere ALONE. I'm having a bad week, well not bad so much as emotionally difficult. If you're looking from the standpoint of being a housekeeper, this week has been a disaster and there's no end in sight to the mess. Maybe I should say there's no FLOOR in sight.

As I'm cleaning up one child-created mess, another worse one is being made. It's a never ending struggle right now and it's to the point that it's overwhelming. I just want to cry. I cleaned up 2 rooms yesterday and they were immaculate so that I could get to my kitchen today, but it looks as if I never touched those rooms.

Yesterday, I had to take Grace to the pediatrician for a UTI, and of course that was an adventure, but it was nice just being the 2 of us. Manny came home for lunch to keep an eye on Anneliese. It's also a huge fight to get Grace to take her medication because it's liquid and not in chewable tab form, so I had to resort to sitting on her arms with her head in my lap between my legs as I pried open her lips to drip the meds into the side of her cheek. My finger is bruised since she managed to bite me a few times.

Before that trip, in the morning, I had decided to use the bathroom and warm up a mug of coffee. I could hear the girls the whole time and kept in voice contact with them. I wasn't neglecting them, they WERE supervised, just not in my direct line of sight. As I sat down in the dining room, I could see into the living room but not what they were actually doing. Suddenly, I heard Anneliese stop laughing and she began to cry in a panicked, scared way. I immediately stood up and saw that Juliana somehow managed to get a spool of sewing thread and wound it around a chair, the vacuum, a table, a lamp... and then Anneliese crawled into it. Then she must have tried crawling out of it. She had it wrapped around her body, arms, legs and NECK several times because of how it was already wound around furniture. She was so scared, she was panicking and trying not to move to make it tighter, and her skin was starting to get red where the thread was. I immediately made sure I could put my fingers under the thread around her neck. Using both hands so that the thread wouldn't cut into her, I managed to snap and break the thread. I had to do that 2X around her neck, then 2 or 3X around her midsection, arms, and legs. Juliana had a good talking to, and was sent to her room after I told her why it was so bad. She felt awful about it, and I was shaking all day. I felt horrible and still do. I put the thread up way out of reach (not that it was IN reach before) and this morning she somehow found where I hid it, and did it AGAIN! Luckily this time I caught her before Anneliese got anywhere near it. Juliana got a smack on the butt and a time out in her room. I was livid, and had to send her to her room before I seriously lost control and beat her. I DID NOT BEAT HER... I swear. The swat on her butt didn't even go through her jeans.

But the excitement doesn't end there, ladies... oh no. This week's rollercoaster is just getting started.

Anneliese woke up as Juliana and Grace were playing down stairs, so I went up to get her and change her clothes and diapers. I come down, they're playing tea party in the living room so I decide to make some coffee. I should know by now that coffee in the morning means something bad is about to be discovered.

I noticed my purse was out of place, and that a cabinet door in the kitchen was open, but thought nothing of it until I saw an open bottle on the counter. Juliana & Grace each have growing pains in their legs, plus Grace's UTI hurts, so I had to buy a new bottle of Children's Tylenol Meltaways, CVS brand. 30 in a bottle. Well, that bottle was on the counter, and the cap was next to it. And inside, there were only 3 tablets. I immediately asked her what happened and she fessed up that she had eaten ALL 27 tabs!!! I called poison control (the number is on the wall and on every single phone). Thankfully, being 42 pounds, taking 27 tabs at 80 mg of acetaminophen each wasn't enough to be toxic and cause liver damage. But she can't have more Tylenol for her cold and leg pains for 24 hours. I have got to think of an appropriate punishment for this climbing thing, because it's beyond wrong, it's dangerous. She does this for adult scissors too so she can snip and make "snow" on my dining room floor, shredding anything in sight and then leaving the scissors in Grace's reach.

I swear I don't neglect my kids. I'm on them like a hawk at all times. Even now while I'm typing I'm in voice contact with them and get up regularly to check them visually. All the time.

What I really want right now is to hide. I want to leave disobedient kids with someone who can just handle them for a few hours while I somewhere ALONE. A movie, the mall, a drive, a bed & breakfast.... I've already taken my Paxil for the day and 2 of my anxiety pills. I just want a break from reality where there's no cell phone, no way to be contacted, no worries about kid safety or money or fixing dinner or cleaning another mess or having to do a wifely duty even though my head hurts or who needs a bath and won't get in the tub or ANYTHING.

I love my kids more than anything but I'm having a week where I wonder what made me ever think I was a good mom? What made me think I could handle 3 kids? This is the kind of week where you couldn't pay me to get pregnant again, no matter what I may have posted about unrequited baby love before. I don't even know that I'm a good mom to the 3 I have.


Vicodin said...

Paxil is in a class of drugs called benzodiazepines. Paxil affects chemicals in the brain that may become unbalanced and cause anxiety.

~Jessica~ said...

Thank you for your post. I actually suffer from anxiety disorder even without Paxil, and take Xanax when I have anxiety attacks and high stress. Does that seem inappropriate?