Tuesday, January 31, 2006

So Very.... Blah

I can't help it, my moods seem so intuned with the weather. It's rainy and dank and dreary today, and that's really how I feel. Yet again, I'm getting sick. Juliana had a mild cold, Grace is getting over a UTI, then Juliana passed her cold to me and Anneliese. I still just want to curl up in bed and stay there. I'm not sure if it's because I really need the rest or if it's escaping into a deeper bout with my PPD. I seem to want to stay in bed a lot lately, never really getting the chance to. I'm not even interested enough to delve much deeper into my psyche about it.

Right now the girls are watching Blue's Clues as Anneliese naps, and I'd be wise to take that opportunity to tidy up the kitchen and dining room. I will... in a minute.

Anneliese is turning 1 yr old on Sunday. We're having her birthday party that day at 1:00 and so far, everyone we've invited except my uncle Nick (and his family) will be coming. Since it's SuperBowl Sunday I figure I should have some football type snacks, but not sure what to serve. We're doing pizza though, since it's easy and our fave restaurant in this area delivers for free. I still haven't decided if I'm making her cake or ordering it. I made Grace's 1st cake but bought Juliana's... so I don't know. It would be less expensive to make it, but other than having to make sure someone picks up the cake the night before it would save a lot of time. I'm leaning towards having the S&S bakery do it, since they do a great job.

I'm having really mixed feelings about my littlest baby turning 1 yr old. She's a chatty little thing, and affectionate and sweet and silly and a bit of a bully. She's just such a good baby, but with every step she's less a baby and more independant. She's finally trying to learn to walk, and today for the first time ever let me hold her hands to walk with her. Of course, after about 12 steps she shoved me away as if to say "Now scram! I'm a pro!" to which she promptly fell on her tush after 1 1/2 steps without help ;-)

She really is my last baby and I know it's weighing heavily on my mind because I've been having pregnancy dreams. That somehow, my IUD fails and I'm pregnant. Or Ingo Rademacher and I meet by chance, fall in love, and he tells me that he wants me to divorce Manny so that we can have our own children together. Actually, that one disturbed me. Anyway, it goes back to being unable to decide if I really truly want another baby because my family doesn't feel complete yet, or if it's because I've got Baby Fever. Do I REALLY want another baby? Am I ready to move onto the next stage of my life? Or do I really perpetually want to have helpless little babies and change diapers for the next few years? I honestly don't mind the diapers, at least not until they turn into grown-up and reeking poops in a Pull-Up at about 3 yrs old.

Seeing my youngest niece this past weekend (Samantha who is 1 month old) was bittersweet. Anneliese isn't really that far away from Samantha in age, but I truly miss newborn age. It hurts that I won't see have that again with one of my own babies. I thought maybe seeing Samantha would help ease the transition and remind me why I'm OK with not having another baby, but the opposite happened. Someone recently asked me if I'm addicted to babies as a joke. But I wonder if it has merit. Would I be satisfied if I had just one more baby? Or would I forever be wanting more and more babies until I could fill a stadium? I honestly think that one more baby would satisfy me. I think I know myself well enough to know that. I always believed that I would have 4 children, so I do feel gipped out of Manny disallowing it. And even though I lost a pregnancy back before I was pregnant with Anneliese, I don't feel as if that was "my four."

Ugh how much of this is just being sad that Anneliese is turning 1? I don't think much of it has to do with it at all. I just know that if we do ever have one more, it has to be soon. The longer I'm a SAHM the longer it'll be before I can get to work. And this totally isn't a work vs SAHM thing.... I enjoy staying home but I can't imagine staying home forever unless we won the lottery. I have no problem with eventually going back to work so I'm not using having babies as a reason to stay home. That didn't come out right, but I meant that I'm not having babies just so I can stay home. I'm home so that I can be the best mom I can be to my babies. That, and we can't afford daycare.

Anyway, I just need to really figure this out. I'm feeling like I'm stuck in some sort of pergatory with this whole thing, and I can't even really describe it eloquently or fully.

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