Monday, January 16, 2006

Skinny Me vs Fat Me

I definitely like Skinny Me better than Fat Me. Fat Me is grumpy all too often, and doesn't feel well but I think I can attribute feeling crappy to 3 rough pregnancies as well. The problem is I can only attribute "just so much" to 3 rough pregnancies.

I know that I'm overweight and I know what's left to fix it. My diet is actually pretty good, and while I may make some rich meals I don't pig out on them and I have modest portions. I don't snack a lot, but when I do they're pretty healthy. Which leaves my activity and exercise levels. I used to walk a lot, and I used to swim. I used to ride a bike too. But now, well, it's definitely tough to find the time and if I have the time, it's tough to get someone to take the kids for an hour. I'm a lonesome exerciser. I don't like exercising with anyone. It's easier to focus and get involved in it. But I think I might have to start overcoming that attitude and just take the kids with me. It'll give me a tougher workout if I take the 2 little ones in the double stroller while Juliana is at school... I'll burn more calories pushing them up a hill than I would with only my own fat for company.

I think what has made me sit up and really think about this, and get more motivated, is that Juliana was looking at pictures of me BK (before kids) and she thought Skinny Me was someone else, some auntie she had never met. And yesterday she hugged me and said "Mommy, I can't wait until you're skinny again." WHAT? Where did that come from? It really hit me and gave me a wake up call. And I'm doing something about it starting today. No resolutions, because it's worth more than that. It's worth seeing if my back will feel better. It's worth seeing if I'll stop getting so sick all the time. And maybe, just maybe, it'll help lift this black veil of PPD to lose some of this weight. It just really hurt that Juliana didn't recognize me. She didn't even believe me when I told her those photos were of me. I think it would help my marriage too, because while Manny loves me no matter what, I know that my weight is an issue for him. He's concerned for my health and I know he misses Sexy Me. I don't think of myself as sexy now, and maybe that's the problem, but I know that he's not nearly as attracted to me as he used to be. Part of that is attitude on my part, but come on... I know that fat is not all that. I can't blame him really, although it does bother me that we're THAT superficial. I also know that for him it really is more concern over my health. I'm starting to get concerned about that too and I want to be healthy and alive to watch my kids grow. I don't want to be higher risk for breast cancer and heart attacks. I don't want to be higher risk for diabetes.

My goal is hefty. I want to get down to a size 12. I think that'll mean I need to lose 70 lbs. The hard part will be doing it the healthy way. It would be so easy to go back to an old reliable method and just watch the weight disappear but that would be worse than being fat.


Anya said...

Jess, I made this same post in my blog almost a year ago. I know exactly how you feel right now because I have been there. It took me a couple of months to get myself in gear but now, 8 months later, I'm almost 80lbs lighter.

It's not about the number, it's about the way I feel physically, the way I feel about myself emotionally, and the mother that I am to my children now. It's such a better "me" than it was a year ago and nobody can understand that unless they've been there.

The thing is, you have reached that point, emotionally and mentally, that it's necessary to reach to be able to do something about it. I know it's not easy but I know you'll be able to do it because you're doing it for all the right reasons.

And you know where to find me if you ever need to talk or just vent to someone who truly "gets" where you're at.

~Jessica~ said...

Anya, thanks so much for the post. I do appreciate it. And I'm soooooooo impressed with your own success. Congratulations!

Allie D. said...

Jessica- you know I can relate all too well. I don't know if you ever went to my old blog where I was mainly talking about Weight Watchers, but I've so been in your shoes and I still am, even when I am in the eye of the weight-loss storm right now. It's coming off slowly- little by little. I started out having to lose half my body weight. And I still have about 2/3 to go, and I know I will get there eventually. Because, like you, I want to be healthy. It's amazing though how much of the old me has come back out even after an almost 60 pound loss. I feel like I did at the prime of my youth and I never want to give that feeling up.

I'm here for you if you ever want to talk or need support! And stupid me, I totally just came onto your blog for the first time! I will be reading from now on and I will be linking you!

Jen said...

Found your blog through a friend's blog. I feel like I could've written this post myself. You're absolutely right. I'm putting on my walking shoes and stepping out of the door right now.