Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Keeping Up Appearances... It's a Physical Thing

I just realized I haven't posted in almost a month... whoa LOL. And tomorrow is my birthday. See previous posts if you want to know how I feel about that LOL. I just know that I'd better get a cake or something from Manny. No fancy gifts needed, just an acknowledgement.

Well, as I mentioned before the Paxil is amazing stuff but apparently my shrink thinks I'm still too OCD, anxious and controlling cuz she upped my dosage again. Not complaining because it IS working but when I get tired, I start to feel like I'm overheating. Kinda like how I suspect I'll feel when I hit menopause, except it's not exactly a hot flash... it's more like a hot several moments. Drinking tons of ice water seems to help and oddly enough, drinking hot tea. My appetite is decreasing though. I'm wondering if it's my old anorexic tendencies kicking in or if it's also the Paxil. Either way I don't think I'm losing weight which means I really have to start excercising if I want to be hot and sexy ever again. And this brings me to something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

My diet is great and I'm not huge on junk food or fatty food... we're not carb free because with kids, come on, most of what they eat is carbs so it's virtually impossible to cut it all out. I can minimize but I don't think carbs are the problem anyway. We actually eat pretty healthfully around here. But man, I really miss being able to wear my hip huggers and a nice fitted turtle neck and feel sleek and slim . Hell, I miss sitting down and not having baby belly flab resting on my legs. OK it's not quite that bad, but there are times that I think I still look pregnant. Oh yeah, and I've inherited the "extra neck skin" from my moms' side of the family. It makes my neck and face look fatter than it really is, and I HATE pictures of me from the side because of it. It's not as noticable when I'm thin, but still there... it's just unavoidably noticable when I've got a little extra padding. Especially if I can't find anything clean to wear and I have to wear a maternity shirt. That's just so freaking sad. Maybe I should just get rid of all my maternity clothes so that I have no choice but to fit into my skinny clothes.

Ya know what gets me most about weight? There's that saying "well there's just more of me to love" but it feels like ppl love me LESS when there's extra weight. Such a society we live in that we feel love is based solely on our appearances & not only society, but FAMILY as well. I know my friends love me and my parents... but I guess I'm thinking more about my MIL. She just can't help but remind me how thin I used to be. She'll even pull out old photos and videos to SHOW me how fat I've gotten and just shake her head sadly as she looks at Skinny Me and Current Me. I usually just say "Well when I was skinny, I didn't have children and I'd never been pregnant. If this is my burden for having 3 babies I adore then I'll gladly carry it and just work it off." I'm screaming and crying like a hurt little girl inside, and I just walk away so that I don't lose it in front of her.

I've always had issues with how I look, even when I was skinny. I wonder now why I thought I was fat before I was actually fat. All considered, I think I have a decent self-esteem but maybe because it's better than it ever has been. I mean, I know I'm tough on myself and I'm my own worst critic but there are more things I like about myself now than when I was in my early 20's and in my teens. Maybe because I have more positive influences in my life now. Hmmm, that's not exactly true. I think I have just as much positive influence, but the difference is that the NEGATIVE influences aren't there so much. Read that to mean "My dad isn't controlling every detail of my life anymore and I'm not as angry as I used to be because of it." That's a whole different post though LOL.

All I know is that I want to be here and healthy for my girls. I want to teach them to be happy with themselves and yet still live a healthy lifestyle. I want to be a good role model and be better as a person for their sakes. Ahhhh the things we endure & do for love.

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