Randomness

Yeah, so I haven't blogged much for the past couple of weeks. I had a lot of preparations to make for Juliana's First Communion, and one of my neighbors lost her job so I've been letting her use my computer during the day. Oh yes, and I'm planning the Teacher Appreciation Luncheon for Grace's preschool teachers and all the other teachers in the school. I'm looking forward to it, though, I just have to get my fanny in gear and get some stuff printed out to post at the school.

I also had a PPT for Grace yesterday, because we had one the week before Spring Break, and the team needed to see what her regression would be like after only one week away from both pre-school and special services. I have another huge round of dizzying phone calls to make in an effort to find outside specialists for Grace, in addition to what she gets at the Early Learning Center and at pre-school. This time, at least, I have a little more help with some contact suggestions from the ELC as well as suggestions for parental support services. Yesterday after the PPT session, I just felt horrible, because I feel like I've dropped the ball with Grace. There's no set "trick" to any of this. The only people who seem to know what they're doing are the specialists, but it's up to us regular people to figure out where and who they are, and what they deal with. Being a parental advocate for an autistic child is... aaahhhh let's just say that I'm having one of those weeks now where I think I really suck at being a parental advocate. I think I suck as a mom in general.

We have good days, where everything seems to fall into place, but it takes so much effort and sorting and sifting and deciphering to get there. This is all so very overwhelming, and I'm feeling very emotionally charged. There are days, like most of this week, that are confusing, scary, daunting, challenging, and difficult. I wonder what I've gotten myself into. Not that I can back out now, but what in the world made me think I could be a good parent?!? What made me think I could be a good parent to a special needs child? And she's not even severely autistic, she's higher functioning and receptive to therapies. But... still... I never once thought of the possibility when dreaming of my future family that I might have a child with global delays and a form of autism. I did NOT sign on for an autistic child! I'm not cut out for this! I'm not as patient as I should be! I'm not as knowledgable as I should be! I'm not as pushy as I should be! Grace deserves so much better than me for a Mom.

I'm so tired. I've got this lousy cold that goes from minimal to bad to worse, then back to minimal, then back to bad, over and over and over. Today is decent, but I feel so run down. Sleep would be nice. Yes, sleep would be VERY nice.