I need...

OK so this stupid game is floating around MySpace. It had some silly stuff in it so I thought I'd give it a go. These are the directions:

Ok, go to the Google search engine (or whatever you use) and type in your name
and the word 'needs' after it, e.g. "John needs". Write down the description of
the first website that appears. (It should say something like: "John needs to
shave") Put this at the bottom of this list then pass it on to people you know
and to the person that sent it to you. GO!

So I go to Google, and type in "Jessica needs" and find myself laughing at what I find. Yes, it's amusing. The very first thing that pops up? "Jessica needs to rethink her position on doing adult films."

ACK! I'm sorry, I didn't think I needed to rethink not doing adult films. I'm pretty sure the rest of the world doesn't want me to rethink it as well. I mean, considering my post-3-pregnancies-at-32-yrs-old body, I'm fairly certain no one is clammoring to see me do porn. I'm also fairly certain that it wouldn't make me the butt-load of cash I would need to make it all worthwhile to strip in front of strangers, sleep with (hopefully) hot male porn stars, and circulate said film either online or in the video stores for what would have to be more butt-loads of cash.

What else popped up, you ask? Here, take a look.

1. Jessica (Seinfeld) needs a bag over her head, is what she needs.
2. Jessica Needs Coffee
3. Too true that Jessica needs my help.
4. JESSICA (SIMPSON) NEEDS HEALING.
5. It looks like Jessica (Simpson) is in desperate need of some new underwear.
6. Jessica (Alba) Needs to Eat.
7. Jessica needs help!
8. Jessica needs an adoptive family that is very structured.
9. Jessica needs some coaching, and instead gets an earful and an eyeful ahead of schedule
10. Jessica (Simpson) Needs An Intervention.
11. Jessica needs a rumor boyfriend, STAT.
12. Jessica (Simpson) Needs Bodyguards To Take A Shit
13. Jessica Needs To Stop Dressing Like A Slut.
14. Jessica needs a new prescription.
15. jessica needs to keep her mouth shut
16. Jessica needs to keep her mouth shut sometimes.
17. Jessica needs a bit of time to herself to process things.
18. Jessica needs constant attention
19. Jessica really needs to stop eating the vanilla Joe-Joes from Trader Joes because her blood-sugar level is dangerously high
20. Jessica Needs a Real Man

It pains me to share a name with a seemingly now-irrelevant pop star, whose sole purpose in the entertainment industry lately is to have herself made fun of. I rue the day Jessica Simpson's mother decided that Jessica was a good name for her daughter. This is one instance where someone's name should have been Nevaeh or Trinity or Sienna or something so that people would shy away from using the name. She's probably part of the reason the name Jessica has plummeted from being in the top 20 for over 30 years to dropping more than 3 places and out of the top 20.