Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Then I Crashed, Just Like That

I've been on an uneven keel the last few weeks. It started when my oh-so-loving MIL made the Infamous You Suck phone call. I still haven't forgiven her for that, especially since it's been causing some problems for me with good ole' DH. I had it out with him again over this past weekend about it, and what set her off and why I'm still so angry about it. Why I'm angry with HIM for defending her rather than listening to what I had to say. For him it's about how the house was still a mess when his family showed up for Juliana's birthday party. He blames me 100% for the mess and the embarrassment about it, and he's allowed his mother to do the same. He's embarrassed by me. When he forgets that the night before the party, I had the living room party-ready, all it needed was to be vacuumed. I had the dining room tidied up, all it needed was to be vacuumed and have the table wiped clean with Windex. All I had to do was finish cleaning the kitchen and prep food. When I got up the morning of the party, the living room and dining room were trashed, and although he claims he "was cleaning the kitchen until I woke up" the kitchen looked exactly the same as before I went to bed the night before. But that's not even the whole of it for me. MIL shouldn't have said ANYTHING. Even if she were 100% right about me, she had no right to call me just to tell me how horrible I am in all areas of my life. Manny seems to think that her "concern and intent" gave her the right to say something almost 2 weeks after the party. That her intent wasn't to hurt my feelings but to tell me how concerned she was about me. Right. Anyway, this whole thing is causing a bit of tension. Things aren't bad with us right now, but he thinks I need to "just get over this" and move on. And I can't because she hasn't apologized, and he won't apologize for what he said to me about all of this. He won't take ANY responsibility and HE won't let go of the whole "the house was still in need of tidying when Juliana's party started" thing. So it's a big circle.

Well, I thought we had made progress after our latest discussion, and I was starting to feel good again. I've been getting compliments and people noticing my weight loss, for instance. A neighbor who we mostly see in passing stopped me last Friday to ask me how much weight I've lost and to tell me I look great. I've been better able to keep up with keeping the house tidier without much help. I've been remembering to take my Paxil every day, as well as taking the Atavan to help me sleep and when I need it for anxiety. I've been more active. Hell, I felt so good I decided to take the kids to see MIL and FIL on Sunday since it had been a while. But of course the nudging and judging... it was palpable. What gets me is that I'm such a whale and failure in her eyes because while I may be losing weight, it's not fast enough. My mind isn't as made up to lose weight as my SIL's, apparently, because she's losing weight faster than I am. But then... she makes dinner and cheese sticks for us even after telling her that we had JUST EATEN like an hour or 2 earlier, and they proceeded to try to force me to eat something that really would have stuck on my hips for the next year. Screw that.

Yesterday I was worried about my best friend, she's been sick and was getting dehydrated, so dropped the kids off here so she could get checked out at the hospital. Thankfully she's all right and her children were a delight, but the worry is still there for her.

Grace and Anneliese also were sneezing in the afternoon, and by bed time, both were full out sick with a cold. Grace woke up around 12:30 crying in her bed because she peed full bladder and soaked her pillow, her blankets, and her sheet, not to mention herself. At 12:45 am I had to shower the poor kid. That coincided with her Tylenol Cold dose from earlier in the night wearing off, so for the rest of the night I had to let her sleep next to me as she cried every 20 minutes from stuffiness and her ear hurting. Anneliese woke up from leg pains and stuffiness as well, so you can imagine how pleasant last night was.

I've also been dealing with the very immediate thoughts lately of coming to terms with not having my fourth baby. How much I really would love one more baby. How while my family doesn't feel finished, Manny hasn't given me much choice and neither have finances. How if we have one more baby, that would keep me home an extra 4 years that we can't really afford. Not to mention, he's worried about how PPD would be after one more baby, which I think now we could handle since I'm being treated regularly. It's been on my mind a lot more lately because for the last week, I've had dreams almost every night about being pregnant. I've had people asking me in real life about how I'd feel about having another baby. It seems I see pregnant women and newborns everywhere. This isn't rational, and I've had entire other blogs about this very thing, so I won't continue and bore you to tears. It's just how I feel, and I can't control it. Logic plays no part in this, in the end, and I just have to suck it up. Except it hurts and it breaks my heart. The only way it would ever happen is if the IUD fails. Chances are that in 2010, when the IUD is removed, DH will be getting the Big V. The Big Ole' Snip Snip. I'll be 36, beyond the point really of getting pregnant being an option any more.

So you must get the idea by now that this morning, I'm cranky but remembered my Paxil and actually got to make some chocolate flavored coffee (Folgers rocks ya know) with fat free half & half. I've got material to make some curtains for 3 rooms that desperately need them, and I'm about to continue working on them.

And then the phone rings, and Manny is chipper and cheerful. He just talked to Lorena (his middle sister, 1 yr younger than him) and he has some GREAT news. Even though she and her husband are done with their 2 daughters and happy with that, not planning more children, she's pregnant again. She's due in June 07 so she's barely a sneeze pregnant. She would have JUST tested for a missed period. She's had 3 or 4 M/C's in the past, so she's already a high risk pregnancy, and being 37 yrs old, she's considered to be "advanced maternal age." They're shocked because they weren't trying, but they're happy. If they have a M/C, or once the baby is born, she's getting her tubes tied.

I cried when he told me. I tried not to. Manny got snippy with me suddenly, asking what's wrong, so I said "I don't think it's something you want to talk about." He got defensive with me about it, but I just don't want to talk about it, really, because he doesn't understand. I didn't even say anything, and he launched into reasons why we shouldn't have another baby and why I shouldn't feel the way I do.

I know that Lorena being pregnant again has NOTHING to do with me. It just makes me realize that she's "getting" what I want. That even though they considered their family finished, like us, she's still pregnant and they're happy about it. They see it as a blessing. If that happened to us, I'm sure I'd be the only one happy about it. And that hurts. Chances are so slim, like 100,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1 that I'll ever be pregnant again, so why should that hurt? Why should it matter that IF I got pregnant right now or 2 years from now, I'd be the only one who's happy about it? It shouldn't! It's shouldn't matter one bit! But that's logic for you. So I feel better venting, and I'm sure somewhere along the line, this blog is going to bite me in the azz, but it's what I feel and so whoever doesn't like it will have to deal with it.

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