In the hustle and bustle of every day, it's so easy to take for granted the time we have with our babies. We get easily frustrated some days, we lose our cool, we want time away. And we forget how fragile life can be. I just had a reality check, reading a Life After SIDS board, and while I have all the compassion in the world for Mothers of SIDS babies, I never ever want to be one of Them. I know that sounds horrible, but it's true.
With Juliana and Grace, I had the normal amount of anxiety about SIDS. I educated myself as much as I felt like, but for some reason with Anneliese I became panicked about it. I've researched SIDS to the fingerbones, and still research it. I created a thread on the Worry board and the birth clubs I host with all the relevant, updated information. I do everything you're supposed to do to try to prevent SIDS and suffocation hazards. I know why I post the information on the boards, it's so that if any of that information can help someone out, just one person, then I've done my job.
But I don't have an explanation as to why I still worry about SIDS now that Anneliese is almost 13 months old. She's supposed to be "safe" from SIDS after 12 months. She's still sleeping in her bed next to my own, and I'm not ready to move her. Is it SIDS fear? OR something else? I don't want to move her to the nursery, but it's giving me panic attacks thinking about it. Juliana was only in my room for 3 months. Grace was in my room for 7 months. Each time, I cried myself to sleep for 2 or 3 nights after the move, if I even slept at all. It was very traumatic for me, although they were fine. But I can't bring myself to move Anneliese. I can't. I need to move her, we need the space in our room and we need the privacy. But she still enjoys where she's sleeping, she's comfortable.
What's wrong with me? Is it because she's our last (planned) baby? Is it because I'm more educated about baby issues now than I was even with Grace? Is it because it's just one more anxiety to add to my list? Or is it just because I'm simply not ready, and that's reason enough?
1 comment:
I think it's a combination of the three. I'm a lot more paranoid with Hannah than I was with Matthew, and I think that even tho part of it is b/c of Julia, most of it is because I'm more aware of things that *could* go wrong, and of course, those darn BBC boards. HAHA.
And your comment "while I have all the compassion in the world for Mothers of SIDS babies, I never ever want to be one of Them. I know that sounds horrible, but it's true". Why is that horrible??? Why would you EVER want to be one of them? I think it's WONDERFUL that you have the compassion you do for them (and the way you helped me when I lost Julia). I wish NO one would have to go thru that. *hugs*
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