Thursday, February 23, 2006

I Guess I Really Am Just a Crazy Bitch

OK since this past Summer I'm being treated for PPD with a predisposition for depression, pretty severe generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, and control issues. Big shocker, huh? I've been talking to a shrink pretty regularly (if you read my blog regularly you probably know all this) and she's got me on Paxil daily for depression and Xanax as needed for anxiety and panic attacks.

I've been feeling normal, I've been noticing positive behavior changes in the girls since I've started treatment. Progress right? I had hoped that most of the progress was due to my appointments rather than the Paxil but thanks to a lousy new secretary in my shrinks office, I'm on day 4 without Paxil and HOLY shit and a half I'm a complete wreck.

I just lost it and bawled my eyes out because Juliana broke the "no climbing for shit you're not supposed to have" rule to literally steal a bag of Lindt chocolates Manny brought home for me last night because I was sick all day. Grace had already climbed for it while I was brushing my teeth this morning and ate half the bag. Juliana just ate the other half.

So I'm pissed as hell that they purposefully broke important rules, but I'm MORE pissed that they ate my chocolate. How freaking SICK is that???

I'm weepy, I'm feeling like an exposed nerve, I'm just a ball of anxiety and nerves and I just want to crawl in a hole and be alone for about a week. I'm feeling overly sensitive to sound, so when they cry or just talk in that annoying kiddie chatter or they bicker my ears literally hurt. I've got a migraine, nausea, dizziness and diarrhea for 2 days now, and who knows if I'm actually sick or if it's withdrawals like a damn junkie.

Remember my story from yesterday? Did I even post about it? I can't even remember, damn it, I'm just all over the freaking place. I can't keep a coherent thought going if I'm not concentrating and writing things out. I'm bursting into tears for no reason. I'm over-reacting to EVEYTHING. I feel crazy and disconnected. But if I didn't post about the bad parenting of yesterday, here's a recap. Yesterday I had such a bad migraine in the morning that I literally couldn't get out of bed. Manny had brought Anneliese downstairs and put her in the play pen for me so I could pee and brush my teeth without worrying that she was roaming without supervision, so thank God for that because they were alone for 2 1/2 hours while I couldn't lift my head off the pillow to even get my migraine pills. He came home at 10:15, probably thinking at first that I had purposefully overslept, but he brought me some Advil and let me sleep for another 1/2 hour before he left again to go on his business trip. Totally a fluke that yesterday of all days he did that.

So what kind of damned bad mother am I??? I'm crying now as I type this, I'm that much of a mess. Thankfully I got the mess with the Paxil cleared up and Manny is coming home for lunch just to pick up the Rx. And Manny is bringing me more chocolate.

God, I really am crazy aren't I? Because while I'm almost feeling desperate for the Paxil (damned junkie housewife) I'm only staying calm because I know that I'm getting my chocolate replaced by my very patient, loving, amazing DH.

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