I've been thinking.
Dangerous, I know, but bear with me. My last psych appointment has been weighing on my mind and I know it was big.
I'm still having anxiety problems, and I'm sure that I'll be dealing with this stupid disorder the rest of my natural life. I know I'll be prone to depression and stressing out and all that fun stuff that anxiety can do to a person. I'm not resigned to it, but still dealing with that hungry animal and trying not to cut it's leash too short.
During pregnancies my skin gets ultra sensitive. A simple caress actually 'hurts' and I don't know how else to explain it. I dislike being touched or hugged or anything, and need to process things differently. Something I noticed recently was that when I'm super-stressed I feel the same way. I noticed it when after a particularly long day, I was feeling pretty frazzled and Juliana (sweet & loving girl that she is) tried to give me hugs. And all I could do was panic and lift my hands (my hands get the most sensitive) and close my eyes, feeling like I was going to cry. "Please honey, Mommy needs some space. Please honey please hug me later Mommy can't I'm sorry I can't" and she of course was hurt until I literally shut myself down and gave up. I knew that if she got her hug I could sit in the dark alone for a few minutes and detox. Ugh just thinking about this is making my palms all tingly. I got like this when I was telling my shrink about it.
Seems that it's "my way" of saying "I need space" and that I'm probably spending too much time with the kids. I don't ask for enough help, I don't leave the house enough, I don't go out and socialize away from the kids enough. I'm too inclusive when it comes to the kids and "hyper sensitive" to Manny being the one who's working so that I can stay home with the kids. I feel like since I'm not the one getting a name on a paycheck, and he's working 2 jobs so that we don't have to pay a daycare, I shouldn't ask him to watch the kids so that I can go out. He socializes less than I do, but he's out there talking to adults all day. He gets to travel for his job. He spends the majority of his day with even talking to a child while I'm here 24/7 with three of them.
Needing to be away from them doesn't mean that I love them any less. It just means I'm not taking care of my Social Self as well as I should. And this ultra sensitivity to my skin when I've had TOO MUCH time with the kids and when I've been stressed is my body's way of trying to distance itself a bit before I go absolutely insane. My body and brain recognize it even if I don't see it consciously.
How do you tell a mother she spends too much time with her own kids? You don't. If you're a good shrink (and mine is) she lets you figure it out for yourself.
So to deal with the guilt that shouldn't be guilt... and admit that I need to get away is what I think I'm having some trouble with. I admit that when I do manage to get out without the girls it feels good, but I need more than just grocery shopping and running errands. That's not social, that's still taking care of my family and attaches me at the hip to my girls. So I need to get out and be a woman socializing, not just a mom getting out of the house.