Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Love-Hate With Popcorn

Headache.  Blah.  Bland food diet.  Blah blah.  Anxiety attacks.  BLAH.  I'm sick of not feeling well, I'm sick of not being able to eat well and leave the house for very far or long, and I'm sick of being stressed out.  I haven't had so many anxiety attacks in months, and I feel like I'm having anxiety about waiting for an anxiety attack to show up.  Feeling this way is making me grumpy and short tempered and I don't like feeling this way.  My shrink thinks I'm handling the stress, or at least the kids, well but has increased the frequency of my visits.  Health, holidays, problems with Princess #2, settling after major problems with Princess #1, and recently resurfaced copings with old traumas are doing me in.  I'm tired all the time but I say yes to doing everything for everyone. 

I'm not a freaking saint, and I'm not a nice girl all the time.  I'm tired.  When I'm tired I'm more cranky than just when I'm stressed.  I want to just curl up and stay in bed where it's quiet and I have my books and a remote for my little TV.  I want to forget that diverticulitis stomped it's way into my life, and that my girls are having anxiety now and worrying about my health and whether or not I'll be home and alive because of my 5 day hospital stay last month.  I want to forget that I have to have a follow up colonoscopy in a couple of weeks.  I want to forget that there are bills to pay, and I just added a huge one with that hospital stay even though it's a "copay."  Yeah, some copay.  

Since being in the hospital I've been losing weight.  I think I've lost around 12 pounds, which is good and people are starting to notice.  But how it comes up is... well... people ask, "How are you feeling?" {{{so sorry head tilt}}} "I'm happy you're out of the hospital.  You look better.  And hey! You're losing weight! I hear being in the hospital does that for you!"  Yes, being in the hospital and recovering from a serious illness, and banging out on a bland diet will do that for you.  I suppose that could be seen as a benefit, if only it were intentional and then I could feel "proud of myself."  Why do I feel like picking a nit on this? Because enduring something like this isn't easy for someone who has struggled with disordered eating.  It would be so easy to fall back into giving up on food.  I could resign myself to a low residue diet for life, indulging in good flavorful foods around holidays.  It would be worth it not to have the literal gut wrenching pain and bathroom problems and as everyone else says, HEY BONUS! I won't have all of the fat any more! I'll get super skinny again! I've got double the motivation, right?

Avoiding seeded foods and other trigger foods that would get stuck in the diverticuli can be tricky.  It's frustrating, especially if you're the only one in the house who needs to avoid those foods, healthy foods even, while everyone else loves them and needs them.  Especially your sensory processing disordered child.  How do you not keep that in the house? But it's not just that.  Trigger foods are often in prepackaged foods, so it's a good thing I'm a label reader to begin with but now I have to add more to that list of things to avoid. 

And I'm pissed as shit about popcorn.  I love popcorn.  I can never have it again.  That pisses me off more than I can ever explain, and it's not funny.  I'm actually angry at popcorn.  I grew up in a family that popped popcorn in a big pan on the stove every Friday and sometimes Saturday for movies and TV in the evenings.  If friends came over, we popped popcorn.  This lasted well into, well, now.  Go to a friend's house or a friend comes to visit, let's make popcorn! My kids have a sleepover, let's make popcorn! Feel like a low fat snack? POPCORN! It smells so good, it tastes even better, and it's one of the best comfort foods you could find.  Plus it's  inexpensive if you don't buy it from the Boy Scouts.  In a pinch, Walmart brand popcorn will do.  The white kernel from Orville is the best.  A little butter, a little Lawry's seasoned salt, a little Frank's Red Hot, and Oh Em Gee.  All you need is a tall glass of ice water or iced tea and it's heaven.  Any time of year. 

But no, Diverticulitis/Diverticulosis has to come all up in my face and mess my entire world up.  Granted, it's been building for a few years and got worse over the past year.  And granted, again, I was about to see my doctor before I was hospitalized.  And yes, I'm lucky to be alive, considering the pain and the infection were bad.  But it's not just me here. 

And I hate being cranky.  No one else likes me cranky.  I don't go all hulk green or anything, but I'm not all sunshine and roses.  I'm pretty awesome, but I have limitations.  One of them is telling me that it's bedtime right now, and that it's time to take some Advil. 

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