New World Order! Ooh Ooh Ah Ah!

There is a band of more than 1,000 monkeys, seemingly intent on taking over the world beginning with India. I'll say that again, but more slowly.

There. Is. A. Band. Of, 1,000 Monkeys. Trying. To. Take. Over. The. World. Starting. In. India.

I must say, they have Grande aspirations. They are stealing cell phones, breaking into houses and eating food, sipping Coca-Cola and stealing (ready for this?) toothpaste. They are also slapping women on the fanny. A Monkey Mob hit was apparently placed on the deputy mayor of Delhi, when some monkeys attacked him on his own balcony and the poor man fell and died.

I shit you not, people, this is really happening. I am not freaking kidding. Keep your cell phones in your purses, and lock your homes. Do not go out onto your balconies without police protection. Who knows where these lively beasts will invade next? I was going to make a joke about W. Bush using our military for something good for once, and sending it where it's actually needed, but I'm not sure it would fly.

Now, if I was a monkey, and I will argue for the intent of this blog entry that I am NOT, in fact, a monkey, I would probably start with cell phones too. I mean, what better way to keep all of my friends in the loop than with the ability to reach them and order a fanny-slap at a moment's notice? I'm questioning the wisdom in stealing food, though. If I already have the ability to forage for food, and want to stay under the radar (aside from cell-phone swiping) then I wouldn't want to call attention to myself by breaking into someone's home to steal a can of Coke, some pasta, and garlic bread. The garlic bread WOULD, however, explain the toothpaste. All I'm going to say now is that the Flying Monkey Scene in the Wizard of Oz takes on new meaning for me, and my anxiety and fear over watching that scene, even as a 33-yr old adult, has been renewed and enhanced. I can only imagine that the recent airing of The Wiz over the past two weeks gave these monkeys the idea to come up with this weird plan of World Domination.

OK, ok, I know this is serious. People really are being hurt by these bold simians. I do hope that the authorities find a way to get this very real problem under control. I would hate for any children to be injured or killed by these naughty, naughty monkeys.