Thursday, August 17, 2006

VENT: Having All Girls

I've been getting out of the house more for various things with all of the girls, which of course means we're rather noticable in public than if I bring just one of them with me. And the comments... oh the comments people make. Many are great, and people smile at seeing all girls, while others clearly feel "sorry" for me. If I have to hear ONE MORE BUYING STOCK IN FEMININE PADS joke I'm going to smack someone. If one more stranger tells me I'd better stop having kids now for my "poor husband's sake" I'm going to scream. I'm ready to spit on the next idiot who jokes "So when are you gonna try for that boy? Have you given up yet?" SHUT UP!

I'm actually happy with having all girls. When I was a kid, I used to pray that I'd have all daughters because I grew up with 2 brothers. My mom was a tomboy, and I was a girlie girl, so I always knew I wanted that female sisterly experience somehow. I always wanted to give a daughter what I never had... sisters... so that I could see what it was like and experience it even if it meant watching. Does that make sense?

I was thrilled when Juliana was born and was a girl. I was relieved and excited finding out #2 was a girl. So when it came time to TTC#3, we tried Shettles method for conceiving a boy because Manny really REALLY wanted a son to do Father/Son things with and have a relationship like he had with his own father. He's a great father to girls, even grew up with 3 sisters... but really wanted that son. We were so certain #3 was a boy because the pregnancy was so different than the others. I know my husband was crushed, and he decided in that moment when he found out it was another girl that he didn't want to try again. He adores his 3 princesses, but I know he's disappointed that we'll never have a son. Trust that he really loves his children, all of them, and would die for them. Trust that he does feel a special connection with all of them and loves them with all of his heart. But I know that he mourns for the loss of the ideal of having a son.

It sometimes shows just in the things he says sometimes if I suggest TTC one more time. "Why bother? If we can't guarantee a boy, I don't want to try again." Since we don't believe in TX for any reason, he'd rather not "risk it" and have "just another girl. It hurts when he says that, but I try to understand it. I think what hurts him the most is when people rudely ask us "So when are you going to try for that boy?" Or they make comments that our last 2 tries "didn't work for getting that boy." He doesn't know what to say, and I think it hurts him even more when I try to be flip with these people and say "We were trying for a baby, not a gender, thanks" because in my heart, I know he WAS trying for a boy with #3. Part of his resignation at TTC again comes from finances, but it's more about not having another girl and being disappointed again.

I try to let him know that it's OK to be disappointed, because he does love our girls. I'm a little disappointed too, but not where I'm heartbroken. I mean, I'm jealous that he gets to dance at 3 weddings and give our daughters away. He gets to be in the spotlight and is seen as special because he's a dad with 3 girls. I'm just "one more body with estrogen" to most people.

It's getting hard to handle the comments asking about trying for a boy and failing. Because that's what it comes down to for people. When you have more than one of the same gender, people assume that you were trying for the opposite gender. People assume you're disappointed and are just going to keep trying based solely on gender. People assume that I didn't WANT all of my girls. They assume that while I may love my girls, I didn't WANT all girls. That somehow, they're inferior. That somehow, my husband should be pitied.

THAT hurts me most. Like it surprises people that I'm actually relieved to have 3 girls. Like it's weird that at this point, I'm not even sure I'd be a "good" mom to a boy. I would love one and I know I could love a boy. If I had a son I know I'd love him just as much as my girls. Realistically I know I could "handle" a boy... but I just enjoy my girls so much and am so thankful that they're girls. I'm thankful that I have children at all, regardles of gender. But God forbid I SAY that, people look at me like I have 3 heads. Like I'm supposed to be disappointed that I don't have a son, yearning for a son. The fact is, I don't. If I ever did get pregnant again, and had another daughter, I would be thrilled. Just for the sake of having a healthy baby.

I just wish everyone could understand that it's really not about the gender in the end. It's about the person they become. And in todays world, gender is no guarantee of having a girlie girl or a masculine boy. You can have this image of a little girl in frilly dresses and cute pigtails, but in reality she could be a tomboy covered in dirt all the time, who enjoys playing football with the neighborhood boys. You could imagine having a baseball player super athlete for a boy, but discover he'd rather play with baby dolls and design women's dresses.

Ah well. I'm happy with my girls, and I have a wonderful family. I know that in my heart and that's all that matters in the end.

1 comment:

Mandy said...

Yah, I understand where you are coming from, especially after my vent with TTC last week. People should just stop asking.

I too understand how your husband feels. I bet many husbands (and mothers of all boys) feel the same way.

(((HUGS))) to you. :)